when I scroll through facebook, twitter, instagram, etc., sometimes I get really discouraged. it seems that everyone else is “feeling it” every single day. even scrolling through my own facebook, I feellike it seems that being a Christian + being a 16 year old girl in the 21st century looks like it’s all rainbows + butterflies. it is not that easy. so here’s the truth + I hope that somewhere, this encourages a girl like me. who sees her “normal” friends, having fun sinning + almost wants to join them. who sees her Christian friends, and knows that they have bad days, too, but sometimes feelslike the only one. I know what I know, but here’s how I feel:

a good majority of the time, I wake up in the morning + I don’t want to read my Bible. like seriously, I just want to roll back over + sleep for all of eternity. so either I force myself to read it + post a Bible verse to make myself feel good or I make up millions of excuses for the rest of the day + PROMISE to read it tomorrow… which may or may not happen.

when I get mad at someone, I want to post bad things about them so they get the memo. I want to be cryptic like every other “normal” teenage girl on social media. I want to subtweet. but I vent to my small group, some of the only people that know this side of me + lock up my feelings until I end up sobbing on the couch to my mom + taking months before I can see their name without crying again.

when people treat me poorly, I want to treat them the exact same way, in hopes that they’ll realize how it feels + stop. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but in the end, I always end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick.

when I’m really down about a guy, I want to watch sappy movies, eat ice cream, listen to love songs, cry + forget all about how I should be putting my worth in Jesus, not boys. I know that God’s plan is so huge + what’s He has given me is His best for me right now, but I just don’t feel it. so I hole up in my room + sulk because in that moment, it’s so much easier than choosing Jesus.

+ people will tell me about how they look up to me for being such a good, Christian girl + I feel guilty because I know my true feelings. but then I remember the times when I get upset because yearbook camp is going to prevent me from doing community makeover, or when I cleaned the whole house for my mom in the middle of the night because I knew it would make her day, or when I prayed for all of my friends, out loud, by name, and ended up balling my eyes out because I felt the power of the Holy Spirit so strongly. the times where I went to Nicaragua + lead people to Christ, fully relied on God + saw miracles right before my eyes. the times when I got up + read my Bible anyway, would’ve rather talked things out with someone than posted mean stuff about them; when I treat people how I want to be treated, or days like today, when I choose to stop feeling sorry for myself + pray for God to never let me do this to myself again. because as a Christian, sometimes I’ve got to follow my head instead of heart; choose what I know over what I feelchoose Jesus. of course it’s not easy! but following my feelings only makes me feel 1000 xs worse.

so maybe being a teenage, Christian girl doesn’t actually stink. it just kinda’ feels like it.